By Vinnie Nauheimer
Speaking at a diocesan convocation on public policy last week, freshly minted cardinal Timothy Dolan made his New York debut as a comedian. The critics all agree that the funniest line of the night was, “If you want an authoritative voice, go to the bishops. They’re the ones that speak for the truths of the faith.” The line was uttered with such solemnity that one almost forgot it was a comedy sketch. It immediately brought the house down and left them rolling in the aisles from belly laughter. Which bishop should we go to for the truth, Timothy Dolan? Should we go to Bishop Keith Symons or Bishop Anthony J O’Connell both of who resigned because they themselves were sexual abusers? How about Bishop Raymond Lahey who was caught bringing child pornography into Canada on his computer? What about Bishop Patrick Ziemann who was caught, in his car, getting oral sex from a priest forced to wear a pager so he could be summoned when the bishop had an urge. Perhaps we should consult Bishop Roger Vangheluwe who sexually abused two of his nephews. Okay, enough with the bishops, this could turn into a litany.
Maybe Dolan meant that we go to a higher level of authoritative voice, like that of a cardinal. Edward Cardinal Egan appointed a known abuser in 2002 to St. Benedict’s, a parish with an elementary school; the priest was subsequently defrocked. According to the Bronx Press Review, a parishioner called Cardinal Egan insane; did Egan speak for truth? In Chicago we have Cardinal George whose faux pas’ are legendary. The most recent involved Fr. McCormack, a known abuser from his days in the seminary, but Cardinal George refused to remove him. This despite Cardinal George being a signatory to the Charter for Protection of Children produced in Dallas in 2002. I’m sure he speaks for the truth. Cardinal Mahoney of Los Angeles is another stellar truth teller who spent untold dollars fighting survivors with his adamant refusal to release records of sexually abusing priests. Who would look to anyone but him for the truth? Maybe we should ask for the truth from Philadelphia’s recently deceased Cardinal Anthony J. Bevilacqua who ordered aides to shred a 1994 memo that identified 35 Archdiocese of Philadelphia priests suspected of sexually abusing children? Now there was an authoritative voice that speaks the truths of the faith!
Certainly, we can look to the infallible pope for the truth. The fact that none of the above were ever fired speaks volumes about the amount of truth the pope is willing to part with.
So let’s repeat that line. “If you want an authoritative voice, go to the bishops. They’re the ones that speak for the truths of the faith.” With lines like that, Dolan proved himself a first rate comic, but good comedians need more than one good line to make a performance, and Dolan met the call. The NY Times reported on March 4, this line from the same performance, “I don’t recall a right to marriage.” In his jocular fashion Cardinal Dolan went on to say that every day someone finds another right. Well he ought to know, the Roman Catholic Church leads the way in finding new rights. They have the right to hide sexually abusing priests, they have the right to destroy evidence, they have the right to shuffle sexually abusing priests from parish to parish, diocese to diocese and in some cases country to country; talk about inventing rights! But more than that, let’s talk about inventing the right to the wholesale destruction of the lives of children without the expectation of consequence.
On a roll, the newly minted prince of Catholic comedy was greeted with peals of laughter when, straight faced, he told the audience, “It’s not about contraception and it’s not about women’s health, it’s about an unwarranted, unprecedented intrusion into a church’s ability…” The audience didn’t know which part of that statement was funnier, the “it’s not about women” or it’s “all about government intrusion into church affairs.” Of course, his hilarious line about, “Fat, balding, Irish bishops,” was in reference to the unwarranted, unprecedented intrusion into Irish governance by the Vatican when it issued a memo to Irish bishops saying that they didn’t have to obey Irish law! Therefore, the fat, balding Irish bishops didn’t turn in criminal priests who were raping, sodomizing and molesting Irish children therefore allowing the abuse to continue. The discovery of this memo warranted an unprecedented public reprimand of the Vatican by Enda Kenny Prime Minister of Ireland. To emphasize the point, Dolan said, “I hate to tell you that the days of the fat, balding, Irish bishops are over,”
For the sake of our children let’s hope he’s right!
